Lol. I was looking at some of my old photo albums and I realized that I used to have a lot more spunk. Someone who is a part of an older generation told me that after dealing with life, it’s hard to get excited about it anymore. I think I’m already there and I’m too young to feel this way. I’ve lost some of my spunk. I find it hard to get excited about things because if the reality of most situations. I’ve got to really work to stay encouraged in terms of enjoying life.
“Nina “BeautifulBrwnBabyDol” Ellis-Hervey wonders why people think that having sex qualifies them as a “somebody”? Public Service Announcement: Having sex is nothing, monkeys, birds, roaches, rats, cats, dogs, and intellectually delayed people have it as well…you earn no rewards here :-)”—Facebook
So, I haven’t had a girls night out in the longest time. I have Brian and he’s wonderful, but I feel like I “need” some good friends. I hardly ever notice it. I usually go through my days not considering whether or not I need friends. My hubby has told me that I do need them because I’m a woman…eh :-p I feel like a nomad right now. We’ve been on the move so much. I want to get settled and stay settled for a awhile. Hubby is looking for another job and he’s considering random states. I’m all for new experiences as long as they’re well researched. I feel worn out. It’s not like I should, but I do. We have our wedding coming up and some things feel misplaced and out of order. It’s like we’re the least organized people that we know, but I’m not gonna trip out. I’m trying to stay calm so I don’t work myself into a frenzy. I went to Vacation Bible School for the first time today as a team leader. I had never even attended as a “camper” or “student” or whatever. It was kinda cool yet nerve-wracking. I’ve got the 3rd and 4th graders…there’s about 30 of them, but I have assistance, thankfully. Such rambunctious children, especially after consuming sugar. I’m supposed to go back tomorrow but I’d almost rather sleep in, but I like being able to get out…I don’t like big crowds and being responsible for children make me nervous because if something goes wrong I feel I’ll be blamed. I’m somewhat jealous of my husband right now because he gets to hang out and have male bonding time with our uncle and his friends, while I’m upstairs. On Tumblr/Hulu/Facebook. It’s kinda sad…I’ll continue to drown my jealousy and sorrow in the internet…and some scripture as well.
So, I’m still finalizing some things for the wedding my husband and I didn’t have earlier this year. It’s awkward for me because human interaction freaks me out. It seriously freaks me out! I prefer the written or typed word rather than the verbal. I hate talking on the phone…I HATE it! I think it goes back to my awkwardness around people, especially new people. I get nervous, even calling my grandparents (but that could be due to the fact that they make interesting comments sometimes). Oh, well, gotta do what I gotta do and a lot of the time that involves human interaction.
“Sometimes, I feel discriminated against, but it does not make me angry. It merely astonishes me. How can any deny themselves the pleasure of my company? It’s beyond me. - Zora Neale Hurston”—https://www.facebook.com/lovebeingblack
Hubby and I enjoyed our day at the beach. I think we both got a pretty good tan (I forgot the sunblock so I hope we don’t get skin cancer). It’s not as far as we thought it would be. People are crazy drivers. Parking costs more than I’d like. The water was freezing, but we saw and otter!! I captured the moment like a professional paparazzi ^_^ Yup, yup :)
The little guy (he seemed little from where I was) was trying to crack open a shell to get his food (some people thought he was clapping…he ain’t a monkey….some also thought he was a seal? Lol) and this bird was stalking him until the otter ducked under water and came out the other side….
He spotted me and soon went under the water once again.
I have recently realized (not just recently but whatev) I enjoy shopping. Especially online, for things relating to natural hair. Not so much interested in clothes, but jewelry and hair accessories. I’m FIGHTING this urge so strongly. I don’t wanna act like I’m rich when I ain’t. *Sigh*
There are a lot of situations that have made me who I am today. Old relationships definitely played a part in that. I don’t think I’ve talked about my story, but let’s get to it.
1st BF - This guy came at a time when I had just entered high school and I felt like I was ugly. I thought no one was interested in me. I believe that God used that relationship to help me understand that I am beautiful, I’m attractive to someone, and there is hope for me, lol. At the time I thought there was none. This relationship also taught me that people are all fragile and come from crazy backgrounds. People also get confused.
The Story - He had a big ‘fro. Tall and skinny. Met at swim conditioning class. He was weird. Seemed like an outsider. I thought that was intriguing. He sent his friend to ask if I liked him. He came out with his bowl of rice. We began a relationship. A day or two later the weekend hit. I called to wish him happy birthday. He said, “I have bad news, we have to break up.” Who the f* says that? It was weird. I bounced back. He came back. Asked me to be his GF again. My friend thought he was crazy. I should’ve said no. We had good times. He brought me bagels, dead flowers, laughs, some interesting conversation, but we mostly made out. Had thoughts of marriage. He started to grow distant. I asked why. He said he had nothing to say. I thought, “bulls***.” I considered breaking up. Had sex instead. No self worth. Two months later we need to talk. Told mom we’d break up. She said not to be pessimistic. He called, I helped him break up. Inside intelligence on the swim team told me he broke up with me to date someone else.
2nd BF - Roughly two years I had been single. He came at a time when I was being shoved toward God, then subsequently being talked about for dating him. He was the preacher’s son. I had been newly saved after my grandma pushed me toward the altar. It was a big moment.
The Story - Didn’t know he existed. Went to church. He was my uncle’s friend. He made fun of me. I was attracted to him. He got a GF. He asked me if I like him. I said yes. He asked for advice concerning his GF and his beautiful best friend. He broke up with GF (not my fault). He asked me to be his GF through IM. I said yes, should’ve said no. Took three years of my life. His family hated me, talked about me, excluded me. Church folks talked about me. My parents were breaking. I wanted Christ. BF may have pulled me down. I was trying to find self worth. He was doing the same. He struggled in his faith. He brought me down. Dad was missing in action. He had late night visits. Trips to the beach. Thoughts of marriage. Sex (OOPS! I was brought down). We fought. We made up. We broke up. Stayed friends. He got new friends. We got back together. We broke up. We stayed friends. Argued. We got back together. Conflict over “praying about the relationship” and what the church thought. We broke up. Stayed broken. Heartbroken. Stayed “friends.” Then the end came with a Mexican woman, two babies (hers), and someone in TX…
3rd Guy (notice how I said “guy”) - He came at a time when I was still healing but didn’t take the opportunity to heal. Parents had just divorced. He was the means to an end?
The Story - Visited Texas. Another preacher’s kid. Confused. Kinda attractive. He seemed aloof. I hit on him foolishly. I was fooling around. It turned into like. Long conversation. He fell. I fell. We wouldn’t admit we fell. He said he liked me. He said let’s pray about it. There were no clear boundaries. He wanted to keep it a secret. I was confused. He told me of his past. He was a heartbreaker. He was Texas. I was Cali. Visits here and there. Deep conversation. Weird uncertainty. Reminded me of my last relationship. God ended our tryst. I moved on. He got mad….
4th BF - He came at a time when I was broken. Three failed relationships. Parents divorced. I was trying to heal. I was trying to cling to Christ. I didn’t truly realize my pain.
The Story - I moved to Texas. I had no job. He was 3rd guy’s cousin. The church is small. People talked about me. Third guy was mad. Third guy’s sister was my roommate and friend. Friends first. He made me feel special. He made it known he wanted me. I wanted him. I was scared. Had my own Mecca for a week. I prayed. I meditated. I looked for a job. I prayed some more. I read the Bible. I struggled to find myself. I felt resolve. He finally became my BF. I had no money. He brought me food. He comforted me. He was kind. He was loving. He cared for all. He was giving. He was different. The church talked about me again. We were criticized. We held onto each other. He was confident. His family hated me. I felt exiled. I was called the devil. He was the great hope of the church. I “ruined” him. He was my hope. We clung to each other. We aimed for God. My hope for a better tomorrow. We reached tomorrow. We aim for God. He is my love. We are married.
So, I get on these rants in my head and only occasionally does it come to my mind to put these thoughts into words. I was thinking about relationships. Mainly relationships in the type of church that I grew up around (not in). There is this confusing sort of air that goes around. The church itself is fairly misguided, but in terms of relationships, that’s where people get really screwed over. Folks tell you to pray about someone before dating them. First of all, if you’re a Christian you’re supposed to pray about everything, especially a mate. Secondly you need to determine your strategy before meeting anybody. This is something the church needs to teach, “what to do when dating, considering dating, and while being interested in someone.”
Loving yourself and loving God is important (if you’re not a follower of God, then whatever higher power you worship and if you don’t believe in a higher power, just love yourself and appreciate the universe around you). Having a good understanding of self and God is critical. Once this is achieved then it’s easier to proceed. I mention God because this is in reference to the church but this can really be applied to anyone. Think before you leap.
Pray about a future spouse before you even get into the dating world and visualize who you want and God will give you who you need. Who you want and who you need can come in the same package, believe it or not. Don’t just wait until you meet someone and jump in because they really could be a waste of time. You don’t want to look back with regret or go through unnecessary pain, trust. Before being official with a person, ask them questions on the sly, observe how they behave around others, even quiz their friend(s), BE OBSERVANT. How this individual treats people in general will most certainly effect you.
If you want to date, then date, but set up boundaries, rules, and guidelines. These rules, boundaries, and guidelines will save a lot of heartache. Know what you’re doing before getting into a relationship. I’ve dated three folks from this church so I know how f* up it is when it comes to dating and relationships in the church. There seemed to be so much confusion. Their confusion made me confused as to what was going on. I’ve been blessed with patience so I waited around for these knuckleheads to try and figure it out, instead of running like I was supposed to. One of the three dudes, I ended up marrying, but that was because he knew what he wanted. The other two knew they wanted a woman, but weren’t sure how to conduct themselves.
The ones who didn’t work out were stuck on this “pray about a relationship stuff” but didn’t know what it meant. These fellas were trying to date me and “get an answer from God” at the same time. Looking back on the situation, if you are going to date, pray that God shows you whether or not the relationship is forever. If He shows you that it’s not, then move on (so hard to do, but do it). If he doesn’t prick your heart (the prick representing the fact that the person isn’t your future spouse) then keep it moving. Enjoy the person or don’t start the relationship. If you know it won’t work before you go into it, then go with that!
My husband was confident in what he wanted. I will say; however, that I was his first and I am his last unless I die at a young age (Lord willing, that won’t happen). You could say that being new to a relationship is what gave him his confidence, but I don’t think that was it. He was totally raised in the church. He was full on churched out! He was made to follow every doctrine ever written. From not wearing short sleeves all the way to not having a tv (the church is almost like a cult in some ways). Once he hit a certain age he discovered that he’s allowed to have feelings and follow them WHILE praying at the SAME TIME. That’s a huge part of what made me so attracted to him. He’s also hot, but anyway! LOL…
I will discuss my previous relationship, briefly in another blog. Away I go….
So, I’ve lost 5 lbs. I’m not doing anything hardcore, but I’ve changed my eating habits and I exercise for at least 30 minutes a day. The goal is to lose two lbs a week and hopefully be at my target weight BEFORE New Years. We shall see. It gets hard to keep up the motivation. There are times when I don’t want to exercise, but by the grace of God I keep going. I went shopping today and as usual I was critiquing myself. Feeling like there’s no point in continuing because “I’m so fat,” but I allow that to motivate me. I can hear my husband & my mom in my ear telling me to change it if I don’t like it. The helps to keep me going. As far as my hair goes, it’s at the longest it’s ever been (but doesn’t go much farther past this point). My hair always reaches a couple inches past my shoulders and stops. I am challenging myself to see if it can get longer. Looking at my aunts and my mom, I know that I have the genetic capabilities, but we shall see how it goes. The goal is to have healthy hair and length retention. My hair definitely grows but it doesn’t always stay. Onward and upward!
There really are those days when I jus wanna say “Fuuuuu….” to some people. Crazy drivers. Inconsiderate people. ”F[r]iends.” ”Family.” Racists. Ignorant/stupid people. I just pray instead and try to pretend they don’t bother me! Sigh.
So, my hubby and I finally got a chance to hit up Sprouts health food store. I wanted to go there mainly to get some natural oils for my hair. So expensive! For a small little tablespoon of essential oil it was about $15. The food was also a rad pricey, but not as bad as the oils. I like the store tho and I think I’ll be shopping there for our food from now on.